I imagine as the trans community gains visibility, as we obtain strides in the mainstream and some of our tribe “gets there”, there will undoubtedly be those segments of the community that eschew and isolate from those of us with more risque’ dispositions. I imagine the promotion of dowdy, Mrs. Doubtfire types in the press, in the media playing Judas to her sisters who don’t uphold tenets of respectability. And there’s no question, they will be coming for us who love sex and are proud of it. I want to say to those types on the up and up, the success stories that will be featured on Oprah, the ones that CNN will call on when they need a trans rep, those types who through advertisements and PSA’s will seemingly reach out to young trans women, please balk at and rebuke respectability. It ain’t real, it’s tired and respectability adherence is not the same as being respected. We need representatives who are not gon preach the same song and dance of looking and acting a certain way being the way we too can be part of the movement. Stonewall and all them other movements for trans and queer liberation were waged by girls from the street, girls who hustled and sold sex and lived it how they did it. And as challenging as their lives were, I am sure they didn’t say if I rebuke my inherent “unrespectability” and get away from being thought of as a sex worker then these cops will stop beating my ass. Then these people won’t spit in my face and will actually hire me for these menial jobs. Then these landlords will let me live here. Then they will provide medicine to me so I won’t die. They knew that at the heart of the struggle, the mainstream hated and feared them. No one has ever been un-hated and un-feared by appealing to the sentiments of their opps. I say all this to say I will not run away from my sexuality as a Black transwoman. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say I love sex. And that sex has been so many different things to me besides a moment.

For transwomen who are attracted to cisgender men, I’d venture to say our most feminine moments are in the bedroom. If you play your position to a tee in that most conservative way possible, it’s something bout taking some hard dick from a man who wants it, who palms your ass so tight, who squeezed your tits just right, who plays with your candy as he pumps, that feels so fucking cunt. Ain’t nothing manly in the moans and motions you go through as he fucks you. Or when you resist and throw it back. And the conversation is revealing. I like when I’m made to submit. I like sometimes being called a bitch, and there’s something bout being asked , if you like this dick that I’m sure turns on any woman that’s getting that hard meat. Sex is a beautiful thing. It gets alot of baggage, it has so many other variables that accompany it that probably turns people off, it’s not always a breeze. But I find that the universe can be cruel that way , all the good things being bad somehow(i.e. fried food, alcohol, ice cream). But I still believe we all owe it to ourselves to have the best sex that we can. And not to run from sex. Not to bastardize or be ashamed of it the way the cis hetero mainstream will have you be. The hypocrisy of the mainstream just starts to annoy me. It’s the sexual innuendo that permeates every aspect of our culture and yet this unspoken adherence to being respectable on surface.

As a Black transwoman, I will resist these notions. Pleasure is mine. If my life expectancy is short and you won’t stop discriminating and killing me. If I’m to be denied those fixtures of a “good life” and I will be mis-named and mis-gendered in death and life , then while I’m here I need to have a good damn time.

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