Rambling

Someone close to me died recently. Interesting thing that death is. That final act of someone’s life. I think that I prepared myself for a long time for this day. That incessant anxiety of knowing something will happen years before it does. You spend life waiting. So in many ways I prepare for everyone’s death even my own. Our time here is short while the longest bit we’ll ever know. I think often of how there’s that formula that people are given. It says something like grow, learn, work, reproduce, keep working and then you’ll go, let out of your life lease. That’s what our lifetimes are; leases that we pay on, that we’re allotted for an indeterminate amount of time then it’s done. Poor human bastards we are, trying to make the most of it, to stuff as much shit as possible, to do all these things, to exhaust ourselves silly in trying to live. It reminds me like when I read stories of people who just graduated college or just started at some really prestigious job and they drop dead or get killed or stricken with some tragedy or another. It’s all such a cruel joke I can’t help but think sometimes. That person in question would’ve been better off just partying and not doing nothing if the outcome would be all the same, their demise. We sell ourselves this idea of life and especially here in America there is a subscription to ‘happy’. And this absurd thought that one should be ‘happy’ at every facet of their life. It sounds nice and who doesn’t want to be happy but I believe it’s just as transient as everything else and very often by chance. It’s a fleeting state endorsed by a guarded superficiality. It’s like seeing the pretty field of yellow flowers but smelling nothing but dog shit and grinning like you’ve won a prize.

If I could say anything about this damn pandemic ,it would be that it forces a constant view on mortality. One has to face all the time just how easy it is to expire as they say in hospitals. The media makes sure we never forget amidst the reports on the anarchy brewing, the hot mess that can no longer be contained. It is quite the time to be alive. To quote Sir 50,” Death gotta be easy cause life is hard”. He drops his jewels for sure and you can’t help but wonder , hell hope that this is true.

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