A hang -up of mine that I try to work on is the persistent feeling of being inadequate as a woman. Of not having certain attributes, life-experiences or enough validation as a woman. This hang up is present the most on days when I feel low and I see a woman , most likely cis , seemingly so damn unbothered about her presentation and her acceptance in the world as a woman. It’s when crossing paths with the 5’2 petite women who happen to end up beside me or in front of me outta nowhere. I either fall back or speed up but either way I get away from her. I can’t help but feel like I will be contrasted against this woman, this unbothered, cis woman living her best life. I am more comfortable on planes by myself , doing my own strut, not feeling too tall, too black, too strong. On those moments , the prototypes are irrelevant. I too can damn my own feminine song.
It’s funny cause a few of those women have commented about my size or my legs. Some seemingly expressed admiration or wishing they were taller. I find it funny because they have no idea the struggles of being a big woman. How the dominance of ‘ women being small and tiny” makes bigger women feel inadequate and manly. They don’t know about the clothing and shoe struggles and the constant struggle to want to appear feminine enough in spite of your height and your physical strength.
Lately I been resisting. I have been rediscovering the bad assed attitude I used to have when I was younger. That attitude had at a cornerstone,” you’re a sexy bitch” and you better know it. It’s been reflecting on times when I actually appreciate and love how I look. When I appreciate looking different and loving it. I’ll never be forgettable, there will rarely be a copy of the Queen.
It’s bigger than physical. Sometimes I reflect on more liberal ideals if you will that I possess about sex and romance. The cis normative standards about sexuality that I don’t possess. The desire for freedom of expression and a taste for unquenched carnal tastes. It can be hard to reckon with that with making a man be my man and maybe marriage and kids one day. It’s hard to talk to girlfriends about being different in that respect. It feels like going against the covenant of the Good girls guide to life. It feels too risky, too careless, too male-like in origin.
Merriam- Webster defines woman as ;
Definition of woman
1a: an adult female person
b: a woman belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) —usually used in combinationcouncilwoman
2: WOMANKIND
3: distinctively feminine nature : WOMANLINESS
4: a woman who is a servant or personal attendant
I think woman means softer one. I think woman is about possessing a proximity to spirit, emotion, tenderness and attention to beauty. It is very cis patriarchy sounding, can even be read as that stereotypical 1920’s dogma that women fight against to this day. But still and all I believe for the greater majority of woman and feminine identified individuals, it is true. It is not a bad thing and it is a strength. I was too soft and too sweet to be a man. That’s one of the reasons I know that I’m a woman. Woman is connected to the earth, woman is connected to the fire, the passion, the motions that shake up and keep this life shit going. And I’m not speaking just on that superpower of giving birth but in giving life, in creating a vibrancy that specializes in emotion and beauty.
When I feel less than woman. When I feel insecure around ” normative looking” women. I need to remember that there are countless ways to be woman and none of them are wrong. Woman is one who knows herself as such. Woman is one who feels herself as such. I love being my own special woman.
Big Black Trans and Beautiful 