Being happy with those shards you give me seems like a betrayal of self. Gloating I replay every moment of our time together. Thinking of how lucky I am to have you at that moment. My obsession fuels your growing disdain. And you think of cute ways to tell me to fuck off. You don’t know the drama that ignites in my head, kinda like your refusal to give me head and validate my Queenly needs. When you play text a boo , leave me on read, I wish I was dead to not feel all the ways you bring up all of them

Everytime you Casper me, everytime you hesitate to respond, all the ways you refuse to say my name, I grow less in love and more in hate. Let me go hard, let me go fast, throw me away like tomorrow’s trash Join the ever growing list of my heart attacks. Me five years from now is shaking my head saying, “Why am I wasting my time?”

Our dance is brutal, the steps only taught by experience, styles clashing never coalescing. And you can never teach them that which you don’t know about. And you never get over the horror of never being shown. Just a kid, just big , barely grown. My time universe endowed is on a loan. Defaulting, tricky investments, short dividends , haunting remembrances and I think of how I just wanted you to hold my hand.

Never let you go and I won’t lie to myself. I’m S&M approved, bondage grazing, pious to my chains. My chains of blond girl things; the blue sky and white dress and the adoring audience. lots of fab laughs and you and I the epitome of success. I trip off the sanctity of Hollywood and my inability to be a good adherent.

Hate you and love you too. Kiss you and punch you too. Tell all my truths and reveal none of the lies. Say because whenever it starts with why. And wait for the traditional , never come goodbye

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