You won’t always feel good

I realize more and more that being good, loving life, smiling at the sun shining and the kids laughing won’t always come how I would like . I find sometimes that I’ll be feeling so good and the threat of something eroding that good feeling, that peace will be lurking just around the corner. And that is a hurting ass predicament to be in. Cause I want to enjoy the good days, enjoy the good news, enjoy the good vibes but I look up trauma responding, expecting the shoe to drop.

I’m working on this profusely. I’m challenging myself when I’m hearing those bad thoughts, when I’m having those reflexes that accompany the messaging in my mind, to grit through the moment. Feel all of it, savor its’ intensity , clench my asshole cause I know that it too will pass. It’ll be another moment , in a series of moments, in this game of debts needing paid called my life.

The waiting keeps me on my toes. I have to blow on my messages like the heat of a too hot soup. Cool it down to enjoy the moment. Enjoy all of the bloody moments. So much of it is so petty and truly not worth the time of the thought given to it. I won’t always be okay but It won’t always be so bad either.