Stella aint got shit on me
Sunlight filtered through the window shining light on all the mess caused by last night. Jorge’s movements next to me stirred me awake and to a pounding headache and sore jaw. And then it came to me. It had been Homo Night at Nikki’s bar. The place was packed with gays and lesbians of all ages. I looked debonair in my tight brown suede pantsuit complete with the black fedora. To complete the ensemble a bitch had to throw on the mink. Oh yes, honey I was the shit. I go in the bar and see my man Jorge talking to some dirty yellow bitch, rubbing his ass and touching his lips. I wasn’t having it. It was time to make a scene only the way Ocean could.
“Um excuse me I believe those hands belong only on one body, mine and I don’t appreciate them being stained by shit”, I said turning towards Jorge. Ms. Bitch gets in my face cutting up, “What?! You old, crusty , chickenhead bitch, I will fuck you up. If Jorge wants this he can get it like he always do. Fuck outta here”, he spat. I’m steaming now so I say, “Outta respect for Ms. Nikki lets take this outside bitch. You gon learn respect for your elders.” I srutted off outside, the whole bar watching. These queers knew I was not the one. At 50 I’d been fighting for some 40 odd years. I spotted my best friend Lija short for Elijah out front. “What’s the tea? Why you so mad?”, he asked.
“This lil bitch talking reck”- was all I got out before a fist hit my jaw. I got up to face Jorge who was raging. He yelled, “Get up bitch. Get the fuck up.” I ran to Jorge and started clawing his face. This big nigga picked me up and body slammed me. Lija screamed, “Jorge yall two stop. Fucking police gon come arrest yall asses again. That must’ve shook Jorge up cause he stopped fucking me up and brought me to my feet. I was so embarrassed because it was a packed Friday night on 125th street. Young niggas and their bitches were laughing at me. This young white girl getting off the train was staring extra hard. “BITCH what you looking at?,” I snapped. She started walking faster damn near running. Jorge yelled, “Shut the fuck up and go home. Always starting trouble.”
I walked to my crib a four story walkup on 127th and Amsterdam. I pulled out my bottle of Christian Brothers, got fucked up. Around 3:30 am a disgruntled Jorge walked through the door. You gonna learn a little respect. I snapped, “No mothafucka you is embarrassing me I front of all dem people. My beef was with that funky bitch. I know you sexy but them homos know you minez.”
“ Right and if I make a little bank talking to some ugly bitch ,then you need to understand” , he slurred. I looked at Jorge like a star natal fool. “Fucker is you talking stupid. I may be old but a lot of dudes still wanna hit this tight pussy.”I sat back down on my couch heated. “Word” was his only reply. Jorge took off his belt and before I knew it his ass was on me hitting me with the belt and his fists. I couldn’t fight back because my arms were pinned behind. “Oww George ,I cried, please stop. I’m sorry baby”, I pleaded his fists hurt so bad. I was bawling like a baby now. Jorge stopped beating me, picked me up, carried me to the bed and battered my rectum with his 10 inch uncut dick.
Now as I woke up and looked at Jorge sleeping calmly. I had to admit I was a crazy bitch who was too crazy to keep a man and who went absolutely insane without one. I cleaned up, playing some old Millie Jackson and fixing breakfast for my baby. This had been my routine for 30 years. I worked Monday through Friday at an insurance office. Saturday I stayed home, cleaned, cooked and pleased my man. Hearing his stream of piss I knew Jorge was up. I sat on my reclining chair in the spotless living room. Jorge was walking down the hallway. I was one lucky bitch, I thought as I sized him up. I’d been with Jorge for 6 years after his parents kicked him out. He was 6’3 235 lbs all muscle, lightskin with a goatee and tongue ring I just loved. Completing the package was that large dick he used so well. “Babez ya food in the kitchen. “Thanks mami, he strutted off naked into the kitchen. Oh yeah I forgot this papi had a nice, juicy ass. I was a bottom but it turned me on when a man had a fat butt. I loved Jorge but I was getting tired of the same shit. I took care of his ass and he was creeping with anything. As I got older I accepted a little monetary support was needed to have a young tender in my arms but come the fuck on. He aint do shit but play me for a fool or some ugly bitch. Homeboy had Ocean Andrews totally missed. I’d been a model in the 70’s for a gay magazine. I stood 5’11,cocoa colored, with high cheekbones and pretty chestnut eyes. I didn’t have fat on my frame but I did have nice thighs, hips and ass to be 50 years old. I looked damn good and my shoulder length dyed red hair hid the little gray I’d accumulated.
The new generation of fags were sickening. These bitches thought they were so smart and slick and that a pretty face or slim body was it. Humph back in my day all queens cute or ugly had a man or wife because they looked at the bigger picture and were a lot nicer. I met my husband Donnie, a fine coffee colored man At Stonewall Inn a year prior to the riots. He was so smooth an auto mechanic and veteran. I didn’t care that he was 10 years my senior. I went uptown to Harlem with him that night and we ever left each other until 28 years later when Donnie had a stroke and died. I was so depressed. All I had were loads of memories and our apartment. I got back in the dating/trade scene with my friend Lija who’d lost his man as well. Shit was different now. A super disease AIDS had hit the gay word hard .It was so scary but I took the risk anyway. I hated being alone. I’d meet a boy, take him home for a couple of months then he’d be gone. I ran through fifteen men in six years until I met Jorge. Now he’d been with me for a while but I wasn’t going to keep getting dissed. I rolled a blunt and switched Millie to Betty Wright’s ‘Cleanup Woman”. Oh yes honey Ocean was about to cause a wave of ruckus.
The next day I called out for two days. The first time in 16 years. Today was a new fucking day. I got up around 8 a.m. and looked down at sleeping Jorge. We’d made some good love last night. He must’ve felt the tension. But it was too late. I had already made up my mind. I shook him gently. Tears formed in my eyes for how cute he looked. He was hugging the pillow with his thumb in his mouth. He looked at me groggily, “Hey baby. What you doing here, aint you gotta go to work?”
“Listen Jorge get up. I been thinking long and hard and I want you to go,” I said hurt.
“What!”, he sat up fully awake now. “What happened ma? I love you”
“Look I’m tired. Please pack your shit and go. I done started packing already. Please don’t leave mad just leave” ,I said looking down at the floor. Surprisingly Jorge didn’t get mad. He just huffed and real tears poured from his eyes. I wanted to soften perhaps fall in his arms. Instead I went to my couch and smoked. Jorge came out the room with his baggage wearing the hell outta this Sean John outfit I bought. He was so handsome it was sickening. I handed him an envelope containing about $1000.”Where’s my keys”, I asked trying to contain myself. Jorge took me in his arms, kissed me sweetly before walking out of my life. I washed my face and left the house. I was going to do me. I saw Denise this Spanish chick who’d been doing my hair for years.I had her touch up my roots, cut my split ends and dye it a nice mahogany. It looked nice with my skin. I went to the Koreans on Amsterdam Ave, got my manicure and pedicure. I took the A train to West 4th. I had about $35,000 in the bank and a little over $16,000 in a safe at home. It was time to spend a bit.
On the ride downtown I thought about my life and my brother Freddy who had told me as a sissy I wasn’t shit and I’d die alone. He said fags didn’t do nothing but screw and had no real purpose to live. My mother Teresa had never said no shit like that to me. I was born on Coney Island’s beach hence my name. My brother was born 8 years later. Momma worked as a maid and cook in Manhattan. It was me who’d changed Freddy’s shitty diapers, lied to the landlords, killed rats, protected the house from thieves with a knife and escorted momma to and from the train. I dropped out of school in 8th grade to work and hustle up money. I did Freddy’s back to school every year and to have the nerve. He finished high school, college, owned property all over Brooklyn, married and had three kids. But that didn’t make him better than me. Did it? I didn’t care and I hadn’t seen him for 10 years since my mother’s funeral. I got off the train at West 4th street and hit up a store I saw a lot of young people going into. A cute, chocolate boy welcomed me. “Excuse me honey, I’m a little older and I want to buy what all the young queens are getting,” I said. He cheesed real hard, thinking bout his commission I guess. This chile picked up a whole bunch of shit. Brightly colored shirts, scarves, fitted jeans, loafers, boots and sneakers. All in all I spent about $2000. I didn’t even think about the price ,just slipped sweetie a fifty dollar tip and headed up Christopher Street. I was going to get some tattoos and a piercing, My first tat on my arm read DONNIE 4 EVA. I next got BEAUTY on my lower back and my name on my neck.
They all hurt like hell but I didn’t really care. I got my tongue pierced as well. I saw some young queens in front of Village Cigars vogueing. “yes honey ,I encouraged real loud, work. They looked at me laughing but these little young bitches just aint know. I put my bags down starting off real slow then just killing it. I had them shocked. “Yes baby old school right here”, I yelled as I did a duck walk. They cheered and clapped. “Yall be safe babies”, I said walking away laughing. Fags had and always will be fierce. You aint know? I walked uptown to Chelsea projects where Lija lived. He’d been born there with his 6 brothers and sisters and after his mother died he just loved the place too much. I banged on his 3rd floor apartment. “Bitch, open up these bags is heavy”, I panted. Lija’s ebony face opened the door,his hair all disheveled and nappy. He smelled of gin hugging me. “Oh Ocean, Pete went back to his wife. Said he was tired of shacking up with a fag. Lija’s body shook and he was bawling. Etta James was singing her song and Lija’s normally neat house was a mess. “Baby, what happened?” ,I asked softly guiding Lija to the couch. “I just lost it O. I gave that bastid my all. When that dusty bitch put him out, I cleaned him up. Now he want to go back, I beat his ass.” I was so proud of Lija. “Yes gurlfriend. That’s how you do it honey. Lija fuck his lame ass gurl.” I told him about Jorge and I, my piercing and tats and my new change in attitude. “Lija you gotta break free baby you still da shit”. And I wasn’t gassing it up. Lija was a pretty, darkskin man with these beautiful gray eyes. “C’mon hon lets get you cleaned up, We going out double trouble”, I said. I brought out a dutch and some weed. “You got Jack Daniels right ?”, I asked Lija cracking the cigar. I rolled and turned on Gloria Gaynor and Sylvster,ol school gay shit. We were singing our hearts out to “I Will Survive’. I washed and conditioned Lija’s thick black hair and put it an afro ponytail. I got dressed in a red v neck and some tight red jeans with a pair of red and black jordans. Lija was more hip to clothes and donned a pink polo, white apple bottom jeans and some pink boots called Uggs.”Lija babe are we fucking gorgeous or what?” I asked. “You already know Caramel and Chocolate what the fuck could happen.” We broke out in giggles over the stupid line we had coined over 25 years ago. Lija had a mint condition white BMW that he rarely drove. “Yo, I asked before I got on the driver’s side, “where we going?” Lija answered, “Let’s hit up the Lab in Bed-Stuy. A lot of them young queens be talking about it.”
We blasted Lil Kim’s ‘Magic Stick as we drove down 6th avenue to the Brooklyn Bridge. The day was so magical ,I almost forgot it was Monday. We pulled up to the club around 1 am. The Lab was packed wall to wall with men. A bitch got excited. I grabbed Lija’s hand as we made our way to the bar. A young ,extra eager nigga at the front kept trying to get our attention. Hollering out, “Excuse me Ms Black n Red,pretty in pink. What’s good?”. I finally turned and faced him. He was a shawty around 5’7 150 lbs brownskinned with cornrows. He was young too, around 25 years old but the bank this boy was holding made him more attractive. He was iced out ear to wrist. His friend wasn’t that bad neither. One of those big, lightskin niggas Lija loved. So we sat at a table with these boys talking bout our pretty faces would make them relocate to NYC, blah, blah, blah. Lija was bold and said, “First of all yall aint got no class. “What da fuck is yall names baby?” “Oh Im sorry baby”, shawty said, “I’m Tim and this Rasheed. So I’m saying who yall?”
I laughed, “I’m Caramel and my baby Chocolate.” Shawty countered, “Well let’s join together and make this Kit Kat and Snickers.” We all bust out laughing. I don’t know how and when it happened but I ended up damn near in Tim’s lap and Lija with Rasheed. I was feeling a lot of heat. That wasn’t so good because I’d fuck around like some of these other tramps getting banged out in the bathroom. A hot old, reggae song came on, I said, “ooh come on let’s dance.” I grabbed Tim’s arms we were dancing so hard. He kept saying, “damn sweetie shake it don’t break it” but I was going in. Fuck that. We had so much fun. Then it became like my own one woman show. Some techno house joint came on. I was killing it. All the fags were screaming my name. I damn near collapsed after the song was over. Going back to the table Lija was kissing dude mad hard. Trying to get his attention he snapped, “What bitch?”. I answered, “I’m tired girl lets go”. To which he replied, “Nah O I aint ready.” I didn’t notice that Tim had come up behind me with his arms around my waist. “Chill shawty I got wheels. I’ll take you home and I won’t do ya no harm,” he slurred. “Ugh I left my keys at ya house. “Damn Ocean listen here’s a spare, lock up babes and these just some young niggas looking for some older ass. Go do you ma. Live a little.”
I gave Lija a hug, Rasheed, a warning and walked out with Tim trailing me. As we walked out to his car on dark ass Decatur St, I shivered. Two dark figures came out of a black alley. I grabbed Tim’s arm as he cocked his gun. “Easy shawties I will lay yall asses out.” The two figures ran up the block. Tim took me to red range rover with the tinted windows and 24’’ inch windows. Typical youngin, I thought. Jay Z blueprint c.d. came on as we drove off. Making a stop at Lija’s before going uptown I had a feeling I was going to be fucking. Tim parked the car, held my bags and opened the door for me. I didn’t want him to come in but he insisted he get me home safe. Tim said as soon as he walked in the door, “you got a nice place”. I laughed, “what did you expect , the slums”. He grabbed my arm, “Yo come here, you so feisty and argumentative . That shit is so fucking sexy.” “Boy leave me alone”, I giggled. “I’m old enough to be your pappy.”
“But you aint ,he said, I want to make ya my woman,” Tim was serious now taking me in his arms. “Ugh let me go. I was fighting against him. I had underestimated his lil ass. He was strong as fuck pushed me to the ground. Sweet kisses to my neck and lips made moans escape my mouth, Ooh baby damn. He ripped my shirt off, pulled down my jeans. Started to lick all up and down my body. Tim’s tongue found its way to the top of my dick. I hadn’t gotten head in years. Jorge never did it and I never forced him. Ooh I couldn’t help it. I pushed his head down. That shit was feeling right. He got up breathing real hard looking at me hungrily. When he next turned me over and stuck his tongue inside, I was on cloud nine. “Um Um .This pussy taste good,” Tim moaned. I heard a wrapper rip and screamed like hell when a fat, long dick entered me. “Oh God damn. Take it out”, I cried trying to ease that shit out.
“No baby take it all.” He put his hands through mine and was forcing his trunk through my cavity. It hurt real bad but after a while my walls opened up. Smack, smack as the dick went in and out. “Damn don’t make no sense your shit being this wet.” He pulled it out. I looked at this 13 inch long 6 inch wide Hershey bar in shock. “Come on baby”, he grinned, “show me how an old bitch ride”. That crack about my age got me. I got up walking funny and pushed him on the bed. This fucker just didn’t know. Riding was my specialty. We did that for about a good half hour till he nutted. He looked at me then down at his dick as I climbed off him. Oh yeah baby you the shit. The next morning I woke up looked over at Tim and said a prayer. Life was so funny sometimes but my thing was to live till I die. I looked in my closet at the portrait of Donnie I hung as a daily reminder I was worthy of love and commitment. I looked over at the p.y.t. I shared my bed with. From how comfortable he was I knew he wasn’t leaving no time soon. I hadn’t figured out his bullshit or games but in due time I would. All these queers had tricks up their sleeves. But as stupid or used as I may be at times I was sure of one thing. The sun rose and that shit set. I may be getting old but I ain’t done yet.
Big Black Trans and Beautiful 