“Chicken Noodle Soup, chicken noodle soup, chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side. Let’s get it ,lets get it”, the new single from Harlem rapper DJ Webstar blared from Hot 97. “What girl that fool did what?”, I laughed out loud at my best friend Asia’s story. She was dancing and telling me the story about her 27 year old boyfriend fucking her in the ass. “Yes Ty, Ty and you know I always been scared to do it in the booty but girl he eased that big shit in and I thought about my girl Lil Kim. Like what I’m a bad bitch”, Asia giggled stupidly. 

It was a nice March day ,sun shining,60 degrees, mofos outside getting ready for  spring and summer.  March was a funny month in NY . Somedays it would be cold as fuck others you’d swear it was summer. “Ty Ty could you braid my hair?”, Asia asked real nicely. I was laying back on her queen sized bed relaxing. Asia was one lucky bitch. She lived in a brownstone with just her mother and father who were never home. Her big bedroom was cute painted torquoise and purple with a canopy bed, flat screen T.V, P.C, and a phat ass closet with all the latest fashions. Asia was about 5’3,lightskin,chinky eyed, full lipped with nice c-cup breasts and a big butt. The only thing was she was bald as fuck. And lucky for her I knew how to braid when she didn’t have money to get her curly weave sewn in. 

“Ugh aiite bitch. Come here”. Asia got up and sat between my legs. I was parting her hair and greasing her scalp. “You know Ty you should call the line, they have a gay part too”, Asia pleaded. “For real boo aint nothing really wrong with you, you gotta get out and live.” “Uh, uh Asia”, I said starting a cornrow, “I will wait till that boy come and want to be with me.”  

Asia sucked her teeth, ”Bitch please. We 16 years old and Im’a keep it real. Mothafuckas aint shit boo. Most of them don’t want no relationships and that’s just straight boys I’m talking about. Think about the gay ones. Remember that time we went to the Village and no dude would even talk to you.” I sighed, ”I’m saying though Asia I hear you but this is NY niggas is wild crazy. What if I get cut up or something? God forbid I mean I wanna get sexed but shit.” Asia shrugged, “Yo sometimes you just gotta take a risk. I met Isaiah off the line and now this nigga wanna be my man, putting money in my pocket, buying me weed, gifts and shit. I  say live life to ya fullest.” Asia got quiet and started rolling up. I was braiding her hair  but a few tears came to my eyes as I realized the truth in Asia’s words.                                                                                                    

  I’d been a closet freak forever, a house boy never really went out or had any close friends except Asia. I went to a good high school Trinity Prep with mostly white kids. The few minority kids that went there weren’t from the hood. I’d been dealt the blow of being too black, too feminine and too fat for guys I tried to talk to. Where the fuck did I belong? Who would love me? Sometimes I raged mad at Mark the childhood friend who took my virginity one night in a stairwell. But I couldn’t really blame him. I’d been gay since kitty was a cat. To make it worse that was around three years ago and after a few more times in the stairs Mark up and moved to Virginia. “Ta da I’m done,” I finished Asia’s hair proud of my expertise. She looked in the mirror at her zig zag design beaming. “Oh that’s why you my favorite fag.” she joked “Nah for real you need to be on 125^th with the Africans. Who taught you again?” 

“No one”, I answered, “I just used to watch my mother with Trea and I’d practice on her when no one was around. Ugh what time is it” 9:00 pm the cable box read. “Aiight girl I’m out. Listen give me that chat line #.” She grinned wickedly, ”Its….” 

I hit the streets hard body walking on my usual crack head pace. I lived all the way on the East side but I’d still walk. I loved walking the streets of Harlem. You never knew what you’d see. Not to mention the men. Lawd have mercy. Fresh to def, swaggers outta this world. I’d be turned on sometimes I could only think of SWV’s song “Weak” . I got home around 10. “Nigga where you been at:?”, my stepfather Jeffrey screamed. “Ya moms called ya phone about two times. What the fuck I pay ya bill for” Jeffrey was real yellow with freckles and his face was now dark red. I chuckled a bit,  “My bad. “Ya bad always ya fucking bad”, Jeff taunted.  Angry I responded, ”My bad, dag its only 10 be easy.” I was still standing in the door. Jeff got up and pushed me into the it rocking the pictures on the walls. “What pussy” he got real florid. “I will fuck you up.” I must’ve really bumped my head cause I continued, “Come on damn ain’t you got nobody your own age to bother”. “Jennifer, he yelled “come get this mothafucka.” He popped me in my mouth with his fist. I yowled in pain. My mother came out shaking her head. “Tyrone I done told you about ya smart ass mouth. Now this is between you and ya father.” I screamed, “He my stepfather besides my curfew ain’t till 10:30.” “Mothafucka”, Jeffrey screamed, “its whenever I say it is you faggot bastard. Now take ya punk ass to bed before I catch a case”. I stomped down the hall to my room, the whole way my mother screaming, “stop’ fore you wake up ya sister.” I went to the room I shared with Jeff’s 17 year old son Travis who as usual wasn’t home. I hated both them mothafuckas. It was me who got good grades, cooked, cleaned, stayed outta trouble and they’d bitch and moan. I cried myself to sleep. 

The next day school was dry as usual. My mind was still on last night. I was heated. Life never seemed fair. I cut early right after 3^rd period English. I went to 34^th street just window shopping. Everything was hectic and busy, typical pace of NYC.  finally made my way to this ice cream parlor on 8^th Avenue. Sitting outside eating a double scoop of butter pecan. I was chugging this shit down when two beautiful brownskin boys came walking up holding hands. They looked at me. The shorter one whispered  to the taller one who bust out laughing talking bout stop being mean. Who the fuck did them skinny bitches think they were? They came back out with the shorter one kissing the taller one. The shorter one turned to me,”Oh honey just for advice frozen yogurt tastes just as good and has half the fat.” He strutted off with his man trailing behind him. A few young white people in suits bust out laughing behind me. I grabbed my books and couldn’t control the hot flood of tears that came to my eyes. I looked at my refection in a glass door. I was 5’10,200lbs,ebony colored with a low Caesar haircut. Asia and my mother always said my eyes and lips were my best features. I didn’t feel ugly, I’d seen plenty of ghouls but the way guys acted with me, I just didn’t know. I sighed oh well and jumped on the train, made it uptown about twenty minutes early. No one was home or so I thought when I ran through the door to go to the bathroom. I opened the bathroom door and ran straight into Travis. He looked just like Travis with dimples. He was also currently naked body dripping, package swinging. “Oh sweat I’m sorry I aint-“,I stammered trying to look away from Travis’s big dick. He just glared at me, shook his head and walked out the bathroom muttering, “Fucking homos can’t even escape em in a own house.” I couldn’t resist, I just had to look at his nice, muscle ass dripping wet. I went in the bathroom, handled my biz, walked down the hall to my room. Travis had on some basketball shorts and a white tee about to go out again. All he did was sell drugs, play ball and come and go as he pleased. We never talked or hung out even though we were only two years apart. I lay on my bed and watched him lotion his legs. His Nextel chirped. He picked it up, “yerp”. A female voice came through “Travis I got dis pussy wet. Come through. He laughed, “Aiight shawty rock, I want it steaming. I’ll be there in 5.” He turned to me, ”See Ty get that bitch shit out ya life and you might be able to bag a bitch.” He strutted off slamming the door behind him.  

It was only 2 and I’d have the crib to myself until 6:30. Usually I’d go to sleep but today I was stepping out. Asia had told me the chat line was free so I dialed the number on my house phone, pushed 1 for the gay side. To leave a message for others to hear I simply said, “Yo this is a bottom in Harlem looking for a young top with a nice dick.” The messages other callers left were crazy like ‘I want to get fucked by two or three dudes’ or ‘Yo who have stories of molesting  a younger brother, cousin?’. It was wild. I didn’t receive any messages for the first half hour I was on it. I grew tired of hearing the same shit. What shocked me was the large amount of dudes from Brooklyn and how masculine and sexy they sounded. The automated voice finally said, “You have received a message from” then a voice with an accent said, “ Davis’. “Yo what up you sound real cute. I’m across the bridge in the X. Holla back with your age and descript.”  So I responded back my making myself 30 lbs smaller, milk chocolate complexioned and 18 instead of 16. He responded back, “Yo 37,tall, slim, darkskin cat with a heavy long dick. Call me at 646-555-3906.”. I called him. “Yo who dis”, he answered. “Um this Ty from the line, we just met,” I answered. “Oh hi darling”, his accented voice was real funny. “So where you at?”. “I’m home and you?”, I asked. “Yeah me too listen you know where Castle Hill is?” 

I was scared as hell when I made it to Davis’ door. As he opened the door I almost had to bite my tongue to avoid hurting his feelings. He was an old fucker at least 50 years old, a dull copper color, with salt n pepper hair, large sort of cockeyes and a thin mustache. He had a slight beer belly as well and that’s all I got to examine because he said, “Are you just going to look or leap?” Too weary and horny to leave, I stepped in. The house was dark and cold. I was standing in the living room with my heart in my stomach. “Go into the bedroom straight ahead”, he breathed. I pushed through the door into a maze of lavender, there was even a lavender candle burning. A firm squeeze on my ass took me out of my thoughts. “Damn sweetness, I like dat”, he whispered. He had returned wearing just his white boxers with a hard pole that more than made up for what he lacked facially. He pulled it out and commanded, “Get on your knees”. I did as I was told, started sucking, keeping my head down because ol boy was hella ugly. That accent was aggravating as well. He finally told me to stand up after damn near a half hour. Stripped, bare naked with my ass in the air I couldn’t contain my self, nor was I prepared for Davis’ large dick. My hole was super tight. “Oh damn good pussy baby”, Davis moaned. He was pumping for about five minutes when a horrible smell began to emerge. 

“Ugh damn”, he pulled out and ran to the bathroom. He returned, ”Babez follow me. On the sink in the bathroom was a small bottle filled with water. “Sweetness this is a douche, use it.” I was so embarrassed once I realized what happened. He put his hand on my neck. “Its okay baby ,it happens to everybody.” I took the green cap off, sat on the toilet and inserted the fleet. After I cleansed I made my way back to the bedroom. He was dancing against his dresser, drinking,  He handed me a glass. I  took it to the head like I was a pro but in reality the shit burned. “What’s this?” I sputtered. He answered, “Vodka, rum and cranberry juice.” Damn I drank some more finishing it letting a light weight descend on my stomach. “Lay back”, he commanded. He got on his knees, pushed my legs up and pulled me to the edge of the bed. “Do you know my name?”, he crooed. “No what is it ?”I asked. ”David and soon you will be screaming it”. He started to tongue my tender hole. “Oh, oh, Damn. please shit. David that feel so good. Oh damn baby”, I moaned. He was doing some things with his thick tongue moving in and out. I was going insane from how good it felt. He lifted his tongue from my ass and started twirling it around my dick. He topped me off lovely working his strong jaw muscles. He finally reached for a condom and in one swift motion the monster was inside me pounding savagely. I was in ecstasy the way David commanded me for the next 45 minutes until he finished off with a big sloppy nut in my mouth. 

Later that night on the stoop I called Asia. ‘He did what girl and it was that big was all she kept saying. “Yeah girl”,I said smugly, “ he talking bout he wanna do it again. He ain’t husband material but he do know how to work it. Okay. I got home about an hour ago. But Asia let me holla at chu later. Jeff coming up the block.” Jeff walked up the block  dirty, exhausted, carrying  a liquor bottle and a big ass walkman like it was 1995. “Wassup Ty”, he said very calmly. “Wats good Jeff ?”, I responded equally calm. He reached in his pocket and handed me $20. “What’s this for ?”,I asked surprised at the outburst of generosity. “Just because”, he answered and walked past me in the building. This was a sign of change to come. For the next two months, David and I fucked every three days. It was cool but starting to bore me with David’s insistence on the same position. His ugly face was also stressing me out.  I decided to hit the line up again one warm May afternoon. Met up with this tall brownskin dude from the Polo Grounds. We fucked in the stairs and when he nutted, he zipped up his jeans and kept it pushing. I wasn’t stressing it though. He wasn’t David. For the summer I’d be working doing maintenance in Foster Projects. My mom decided to send Trea down south with my grandmother and visit her sister in Philly. Travis had moved with his girlfriend so it was just me and Jeff. It went like this I’d work, come home and call up the chat line. Jeff would be who knows where. Over the course of two months I met up with six different guys, three of whom I fucked. My first was this big, Spanish guy Derek from 149^th .His dick was little but his tongue game was bananas. My second was also my third two young hood dudes who lived in the Dunbar on 150^th. We smoked mad trees and got it popping on the roof. I fucked with them on two different occasions. And throughout the summer if I was really horny I’d continue to see David who enticed me with a few dollars here and  there. Jeff and I didn’t interact at all. We just breathed the same air. The other guys I didn’t fuck put me on to something I hadn’t thought of, my image. All three who I hadn’t fucked told me I was too dark, too chunky or too gay. Too gay meant I’d make their shit hot. I’d feel real bad afterwards because here I was thinking I looked alright and these niggas made me feel like shit. By the summer’s end, I was ready to meet that one. I wanted to meet that man who was real, who wanted a shawty to fuck with on the regular. 

Most of the guys on the line lived in Brooklyn and I heard Flatbush Ave and Prospect Park mentioned frequently. So one day I came up with the brilliant idea to go to Prospect Park and call up the line. I was scared as fuck because I’d never been to Brooklyn by myself. I took the hour fifteen minute ride on the D train. Coming outta the station it was dark and deserted. The big park loomed in front of me. I went inside found a bench away from the bikers and joggers, made a sweet message real low so no one could hear and put the system on hold. While I waited for a reply, I thought about why I put my life in danger? Why did I desire sex? Was I disgusting for just being a teenage boy? I mean straight boys fucked as many girls as they wanted. In fact, they were encouraged to. I was no different than them except I messed with my own sex. I clicked back on the line. “You’ve received a message from Black. “Yo shawty hit that three so we could talk one on one. I did. “Yo why you in Prospect Park?” a gruff, masculine voice asked. I answered stupidly, “I don’t know just looking for fun.” He cut in, “You bugging boo. Listen I want some good tight young boypussy. I laughed,” I have a tight young pussy.” He laughed, “That’s wassup. Listen take the  shuttle at Prospect Park to Franklin. My number is 718-555-8945.Jason.” He clicked off. I hung up the phone programming Jason’s# into my phone. I hurried out the park to the train station. Something had jumped off because the block was crawling with 5-0. Waiting for the shuttle was a bummer because it took long to arrive and long to depart. I got off at Franklin a brief 10 minute ride  and hit up Jason. “Yaww”, he picked up “where you at?” “I just got off the train”. “Aiite walk up the block, then make a left, come down Atantic for two blocks and my house # is 434. Matter fact, call me when you get there.” I made my way through the dark Bed-Stuy block acutely aware that I didn’t belong there. People from any hood in NYC can usually tell when somebody isn’t from around there. They’d ice grill you and check you out for various reasons. Boredom/interest, making sure you ain’t affiliated with the NYPD and also to see whether you had beef with somebody from that block. I stopped in front of 434 a black renovated brownstone and called him. “What # I dial?”, I asked anxious. “None. I’m coming out”, he hung up. Out of the downstairs portion a gate opened and I lay eyes on Jason. He was a tall slender glass of chocolate milk, wide nosed and full lips dark from smoking, sucking or both .His large afro extended like a mane. He was the shit. 

 “Yo come in,its hot as fuck outside.” I followed behind him admiring his sculpted body and the way his yellow basketball shorts clung to his body. The apartment was decorated in plastic covered furniture with flowered walls,antique lamps and spotless. It looked like an old person’s crib. The large screen t.v. had a gay porno playing,this big black dude was piledriving this white boy. Jason broke the silence. “So wats ya name?”,he asked cheesing at  me staring straight into my eyes . “Tyrone”,I answered. He looked up me up and down as I just stood in the doorway. He grunted,  “Ty you sort of sexy to be off the line. Come sit next to me.” He patted the couch. Sitting next to him, I was weak as hell. Something about Jason just had me mesmerized and when he started to massage the side of my face, I just knew. That massaging turned into sensual touches. I marveled at how hard and soft his body was at the same time. As Jason stripped me down he breathed real hard. Concerned but wondering why he stopped I asked, “What happened?”. He laughed, “ Ya body is da shit.”  

Later on after our good lovemaking as we lay out exhausted and sweaty we got to know each other. Jason cheesed, “You smell real good shawty and I hope you know I want some more . I aint had no good booty like dis since I came to NY.” I sighed thinking of how good the pipe was. “Where you from?”, I asked. “Oakland, Cali baby. This was my grandmother’s crib and she passed away about two years ago.” Something nagging at me also compelled me to ask, “Do you like me? I mean the way we just had sex.” He looked at me incredulously, then exclaimed, “Yo you got it sexy. You nice ,thick, and juicy. Look at that ass. ”He smacked both cheeks. He continued, “ I like that. These lil fags in NY be looking hungry.” I was grinning like a fool turning away not wanting him to see how happy he was making me. Licking me on the back of my neck, I was so happy for it was the first time in my life someone had praised my merits. I put my hand in his hair. “You should let me braid it. Is it always wild like that? What do they say at your job?” He laughed, “No. No and they don’t say shit because I’m one of the few certified electricians without a green card.” I bust out laughing, “You so stupid”. “It’s the  truth”, he added, “Nothing but Mexicans and them islanders.” I put my head in his chest feeling so protected. He kissed my forehead sweetly as he commanded , “Get on top of me.” He slipped on a condom and I got on top riding that nigga like I was born to do it. Later that night  I left. At the door he said, “Ty be careful. Bed-Stuy is crazy.”  I sucked my teeth. “Negro please I’m a g.” “Yeah gay”, he laughed before shutting the door. 

I couldn’t shake the feeling that something new and exciting had come into my life. As the summer came to a close life changed dramatically. My mother and Jeff were breaking up and she decided to stay in Philly. She figured since I was a growing man I needed a man to teach me how to become one. She was right but I don’t think Jeff was the best candidate. He had shifty mood swings, drank a lot and his favorite hobby was fucking with me. My junior year of high school rolled in. My relationship with Asia had somewhat diminished. She spent every waking moment at her man’s house. I continued to see Jason falling for him more and more. Jason was a rebel to me. An actor by trade he was filled with the various histrionics and eccentricities that artists possess. He drank, smoked weed, cigarettes, popped e and was unashamedly 100% gay. Like me, he was an introvert in the fullest sense of the word. I liked him a lot and with the money I made from my job as a dishwasher, I’d buy him weed, liquor, scarves or hats I thought he might like. He was an avid hat collector. Our relationship grew to the point where he’d occasionally let me braid his hair or kiss him. He simply eschewed kissing. One Thursday right before Thanksgiving I discovered Jason’s profile on Adam4Adam,a gay dating website. He’d asked me to take pictures of him. I obliged but I couldn’t front like I wasn’t hurting. I couldn’t be too mad I reasoned considering I met him through a sex line. 

So I strayed away from Jason  and began calling the line again. None of these dudes stuck but they were interesting. There was Scotty,a short lightskin Jamaican who liked to use toys, Otis an old married man with a 12 inch, Jesus a pretty Spanish boy who  just wanted to eat me out. I left him alone when he started wanting to eat my shit and me shit on him.  I met some monsters as well like this big scary dude on West Farms in the Bronx. I was so scared walking in that dark brownstone. Homeboy was wheezing with bugged out pop eyes, real black and these hideous fungus looking lips. He had sounded so good over the phone but in person he was hot shit. And this fucker had the nerve to say I wasn’t his type.  What the fuck I wanted to gag was his type? I also met this one dude who made me want to leave the line alone for a while. Me and this dude Simon had been talking over the phone for about two weeks. I went to his Queensbridge apartment one Friday night. He opened the door an average height clean cut black man. His house was real plain and quiet at first but going into the living room was a shrine with beads, black candles, animal skulls, pictures of different deities and black curtains. Everything was black. Simon started humming from the bathroom where he had gone. “Okay sweetie”, he crooed, “ Lets go.” I looked at the long black robe he now sported and for the first time peeped the black nail polish he had on. This voodoo mothafucka scared me so much I ran as fast as I could from his house. 

Right before Christmas, Jeff told me on one of his sober days that he’d continue to pay the bills and such but he was going to be living with his girl.  This was good news to me since I’d now be able to dodge the seedy looks he threw my way. I had left my enema on the bathroom floor one night that Jeff inevitably found. He confronted me about it,telling me he always knew I was a faggot. He told me to change my ways or dying of AIDS was what awaited me. This reduced me to tears because I had had a few close calls with condoms breaking. I was so depressed and knew I couldn’t go into 2007 not knowing my status. So one day I skipped school and made my way to the AIDS center on  East 11^th street. There were plenty of clinics that could’ve tested me in Harlem but you just never knew who’d you bump into. Going inside the Center I became even more depressed and sad. Looking at these people some clearly afflicted with the disease made me realize how stupid I was.  Most of the people there were in their 40’s and 50’s,part of that first generation ignorant to how the disease was spread. They’d seen friends and loved ones pass on. They had an excuse, they didn’t know how AIDS was spread. I on the other hand could only chalk it up to passion and hormones beating using my head. I saw flyers about recreation, cheap drugs, housing, etc all for people living with the virus. Me personally I don’t think I could do it. I vowed if I was positive to jump in the East River and I was dead set serious. My tester was this big black man who looked real hard and tough. That said I was hesitant to answer questions about my sex life. He seemed to sense it and said, “I ain’t here to judge or condemn you and trust that I’ve seen and heard it all.” “Lay it on me”, he added kindly. We took the swab and those 25 minutes were the longest of my life. I was scared shitless saying a million prayers. When my tester came back and said, “You tested negative for HIV antibodies”, I bust into tears.   

My tester handed me my results ,a package containing condoms and lube and wished me well. Jason called me Christmas Day. I was alone of course. I had made a steak dinner  and played B2K back to back. My mother had sent me $300 and Jeff had dropped off $500. I was lonely as fuck. Jason calling took me out of my misery so I invited him over. He showed up about an hour later. Jason looked real nice wearing some fitted black jeans, a faux fur coat and a pair of fresh ACG boots.  He sniffed the air, “Aww shit baby you been cooking for daddy.” “ Shut up clown”, I cheesed taking the bottle of wine he held in his hand. When I returned to the living room carrying his plate and wine, I saw how comfortable honey had became. “Excuse me”, I said pushing his feet off the table, “some manners you have.” “And why are you still wearing them shades?”, I asked taking them off his face. Both of Jason’s  eyes were blacked. I recoiled in shock. “Real pretty”, he grinned. “Who did this to you? Where they at?”, I asked heated. He laughed and told me his bout of bad luck one afternoon. Apparently some big fat bitch was talking mad shit about gays in the supermarket then directed the conversation to Jason who was standing behind her. So he took offense and started going in on this bitch cutting so much ass on her weight, cheap shoes and busted weave. He continued with the story,    “ Somehow she must’ve called someone cause as soon as I got outside holding my bags a fist caught my jaw knocking me down. I saw around 4 people hitting, kicking me, calling me all types of faggot, pussy, punk bitches. I was scared to death Ty and you know fucking security ain’t do shit. The fat whale bitch came walking past me laughing. In pain I picked up my pride and my groceries. I didn’t bother with a police report. I mean come on this is Brooklyn. They could give a fuck about a black homo. “Now leading up to the same incident I let this cute boy Steven live with me. I met him off Adam4Adam and I was real weak Ty. He told me some story about getting kicked out of his grandmother’s crib.  So I let the mofo live with me for three months. I come home from the supermarket and find this bastard getting it on with one of them dirty dick little project niggas in my fucking bed. Do you know these faggots jumped me, robbed me of my cash, laptop, Ipod and my chain? I was real hurt Ty, you woulda never did me like that. The chief reason I trust you is because you a real person. I took this boy to dinner, movies, bought him clothes, sneakers. Just looked out lovely”. Jason shut up at this point focusing on his food. I sat back in the reclining chair lost in my thoughts. I was hurt. I had loved this man, never shitted on him or nothing foul. Instead of  trying to make a relationship try to work with me ,he pampered guys who ain’t give a fuck about him. 

He looked up at me deep brown eyes piercing my soul, lips all greased and luscious. “Come here” he commanded, patting his lap. “What’s the matter?” 

 “Jason”,I whined, “what’s wrong with me? “Nothing boo,just lose a little weight,some skin products, a nice haircut now and then. Lose the glasses and you’ll be good. You’ll find that dude who gon wife you.” He kissed me on the neck. I got off his lap, grabbed his strong, rough hands hard from work and directed him to the shower. I put the water on steaming and we took turns washing each other. Jason had never been so tender even eating my ass. We got out the shower and went to my mother’s old queen size bed. As Jason fucked me from behind, rough and hard the way I liked, he wouldn’t see the hot salty tears. I cried not only for him but for all the other guys I’d ever wanted who didn’t want me. Maybe I needed to just be by myself. The gay life had brought me nothing but pain and heartache. And most of all I was still lonely. I thought about that a lot that night in Jason’s arms. The next morning Jason left my bed and life with a kiss on the cheek and a command for me to call him. I wouldn’t though. I got up ,poured a glass of wine and looked out  the window at the beautiful, rough, ugly realness of Harlem. Only the strong survive. I was worth more and as long as I knew that for now I could play the game and do it well. For that reason I would continue searching and hoping, One day I would extract the real from the fake. A smile came to my face as I watched boys and men walking, fronting, swag at its highest. Wicked thoughts and endless possibilities entered my head. Young , lonely ,seventeen year old homo with a fat tender ass and his own job and apartment. Somebody was going to want this. Those were exactly the words I uttered through the phone hearing the chat line operator’s voice. The rainbow is dipped in shit but maybe there’s a pot of gold somewhere.